I just finished listening to "Baby of Mine" by Alison Krauss. Needless to say, I'm tearing up right now.
I know I'm not the most patient person in the world. I'm also very hard on myself. However, in 2 months Jake and I will be trying to have a baby for 2 solid years. That's a long time. That's 24 months of negative pregnancy tests. 24 months of everything from medications to IUIs, to doctors appointments, to taking my BBT every morning to using OPKs and the CBEFM. And most painfully, it's been 2 years of wondering if I'll ever become a mother. I also feel very alone through all this. I know my family has been so supportive and Jake has been wonderful; more than I could ever hope for.
I'm just sad. I'm sad just wondering if I'll ever get to see my child's face, smile, fingers and toes, eyes. So many people out there take children for granted. Hell, some kill them through abortion and just throw them away. It's gutwrenching to see some women treat what I'm working so hard for, like trash.
In a few days, either I'm taking another pregnancy test, or AF is going to show. I'm thinking the latter has a bigger chance of happening. It's also hard...very hard, to see other people around me get pregnant while I'm trying so hard and have been trying for so long.
I keep hearing things like "Your time will come." but it's at times like these where I just don't see that time coming. Ever. I'm trying to have faith, but what if God forgot about me?
2 comments:
i'm sorry hun!!! believe it or not i know how you FEEL. we have different situations, but they create the same feelings. let me explain.
after it didn't work out with jalen's dad i told God he had 6 months to bring me a husband. and i was dead serious!!
after 6 months passed, then a year, two years, 6 YEARS and there was no sign of a proper husband...i was SAD. I would literally cry myself to sleep more times than i can count. the whole time God kept telling me (through His Word(the Bible), church services, women's retreats, friends, etc) to WAIT. i hated that. i felt so alone and sad...like God was forgetting about me...or didn't understand what i was going through.
i could feel my heart rip apart every time jalen passed a major milestone or accomlishment and i had no one to share it with. i felt like no one else cared but me. it was so hard. i know my mom was there, but it is NOT the same!
So while our situations are reversed...you have the hubby, but no child (yet)...and I had the child with no hubby...i understand the constant disappointment day after day. Hoping each day was going to be THE day i would meet my prince charming...or in your case meet your little one face to face.
With all that said...KNOW that God has NOT forgot about you!! Delight yourself in the Lord and He WILL give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4. i waited 9 YEARS before God brought Jon into my life. i would NEVER wish 9 years of waiting on ANYONE...but i have to say that i became a better, wiser, more well rounded person during those years, which has made me (i believe) a better wife.
I don't know what Gods timetable is for you to be a Mother, but you will be an awesome Mommie because of the journey it took for you to get there!! I know it's no consolation now...cause if someone told me that in those 9 years i would have cared less about being a better person (HA!)...but at least know that my heart is hurting for you! you are NOT alone!!
I love you Laurel!! Hang in there...continue to take it one day at a time...it may be a sad day and that's okay...nobody expects you to be happy about this struggle...or at least i don't...just hang in there!
XOXOXO
PS. i didn't grammar/spell check, so please excuse the many...i'm sure...mistakes!
I'm sorry. I know what this is like because I am right there with you. We are not actively trying right now, and I haven't talked much online about the experience, but we've been going through similar things. The pain is constant. I hate feeling like I am failing at being a wife by not being able to give my husband children. I hate seeing people with children and watching them act like their kids are such an annoyance when I would give anything to have one. Everything about this experience is hard. A friend of mine got pregnant recently and I just felt (still do) sick to my stomach. It SUCKS. But, you're not alone.
If you need to talk, talk to me. I'm always open to some venting or even just chit chat.
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