I survived...

I know I haven't written in a while. Things are crazy. Scarlett was sick last week, Jake's started his full time semester at SFSU, and everything else is just piling up. I'm exhausted...but that's OK.

This morning, my sister-in-law made me watch a video from last night's episode of X-Factor. It featured a VERY talented young woman named Jillian Jensen. She's gorgeous, one-of-a-kind, and has a unique voice that is very distinctive. She's also a victim of bullying.

So, here's a confession: I'm a survivor of bullying.

Through elementary and middle school, I wasn't popular. My dad held what some might call a blue-collar job. My mom is obese, and has been since I can remember. We didn't have a lot of money, so shopping at stores like Macy's was out of the question for us. One year, my parents had to take a small personal loan just to purchase Christmas presents and make a small dent in the bills. We drove hand-me-down cars, of which we were extremely grateful. I was and still am pretty sensitive. My defense mechanism was to cry, and many kids saw it as a weakness...one that was some kind of sick entertainment for them.

My biggest peeve was the bullying I endured because of my mom's weight. I LOVE my mom. She's the kindest, most selfless person I've ever met. If she has $5 to her name, she'll give it to you in spite of her being broke just so you can have $5 worth of gas...that's the kind of person she is. She lives for her family, especially my Dad and me. Granted at the time there was no Facebook, Twitter, or blogs. The bullying I went through wasn't the never-ending type that hounds kids today. But that doesn't mean it was any less hurtful. I began seeing a therapist in 2nd grade because I was being endlessly teased that I had braces before everyone else. There were times where I thought "If I ran away, my parents wouldn't have to pay for therapy for me.", and yes...sometimes I did think about killing myself. I know to some people that seems rather stupid, but for me, it was a momentary option to stop the torment. The closest I got was holding a razor up to my wrist, and then backing out at the last minute. I was in junior high at that time.

When I was in the 7th grade, I noticed girls started hugging each other as a greeting, so I followed suit. I was quickly labeled a lesbian and an outcast by my friends. When the school therapist held a session between myself and this one girl who seemed to make it her life's mission to beat every ounce of self-worth I had in me, the therapist asked why she was doing these things to me. The girl simply looked at me and said "No one in this school likes you. No one would care if you killed yourself. Why are you even here? Don't you know you're a waste of space?" At the end of my 8th grade year, it was my last at that school with those people. The previous year, we moved into my parents' house they now have, thinking it was in the same school district I had been in since Kindergarten. It turned out we were JUST outside the border, so for my final year in that district, I transferred in. When faced with the decision to keep the transfer and continue in high school in that district, or the district we had moved into, I chose to cancel the transfer. I wanted to start anew in a new school, new district. Most of all, it was new people...a new chance. When the yearbooks came out for my 8th grade year, someone actually wrote "No one like you, so LEAVE!" in the back of the book. I still have it, and it still stings.

Things got better in high school. I started hanging out with a closer knit group of 3-4 friends. Of course, there always had to be ONE person to tease me. The peak of it was my senior year where he actually called my house and left a very disturbing voicemail that my parents had to listen too. Of course, he didn't know we had caller ID (it was fairly new back then) and so I called him back and left a voicemail on his cell phone (also fairly new for teens to have) and simply said "How dare you harass my parents. If you're stupid enough not to know that I know it's you based on the fact that I have caller ID, then you aren't as smart as you think you are. If you EVER call my house, leave voicemails, or harass me or my parents EVER again, I will call the police and have you arrested." Needless to say, he never called or bothered me ever again.

As a mother, and now on the other side of the wall when I comes to enduring bullying, I worry about Scarlett. I know for a fact that she's a beautiful, smart, sweet little girl. I mean what other kid says "I love you" and when you say "I love you too", do they say "Thank you"? I worry that she'll go through what I went through, and I don't want her fiery, outgoing, loving spirit to be broken like mine was. I know how valuable she is for anyone to have as a friend, and I don't want her to feel she has to shoulder bullies alone, should they ever start to show themselves to her. But I guess I have to trust that she'll either not take shit, or come and tell me so I can help her. Whatever she goes through, I will let her know I was there, I survived, and she won't ever be alone.