Busy, Busy

So most know that I was out of town last weekend, hence why there was no weekly video last week. I went with my cousin Megan to suprise our cousin Marie for her baby shower...in New Jersey. We got back Sunday night and I've been in kind of recovery since. It was a whirlwind weekend, and I enjoyed every minute of it.

Tonight, Jake is graduating from Diablo Valley College with an Associates of Arts in Psychology. This is a degree 12 years in the making. Off and on, Jake has worked so hard for this day. He's put his education on hold so many times for his family, work, me, and I'm so happy for him and proud that he stuck through it and succeeded. He deserves this more than I can say.

Yesterday, I took a blood test to check my Progesterone levels since we've officially begun Clomid with the RE in San Francisco. The normal levels for a post-ovulation is about 10-15. Mine? 0.3. Yup. You read that right. Zero-point-three. Which means I didn't ovulate. It's disappointing, but I'm not giving up. I've been praying a lot more than I've ever prayed and all I keep telling myself is "God will guide me". Sure, it's sad and I got teary, but it's OK. At least it's something and not just waiting. I have a wonderful family, an amazing husband, a great doctor and God on my side. Everything will be OK. I know it will.

Three

Three. Three years ago. I was getting my hair done. I was watching out of the corner of my eye, all of the most important people in my life scurry around a hotel suite giggling and talking. I had a few more hours. I could relax. But I couldn't. I wanted to know where he was, what he was thinking. Was he happy? Were his buddies trying to go through the whole "you can still back out now" teasing spiel? Was his Dad with him? It was so important that his Dad be with him.

I was staring at my dress, twinkling in the closet from the overhead recessed light. I love that dress. I remember trying it on...I knew. It was the one, just like Jake. He made me feel loved for who I am instead of who he might want me to be, because I AM who he wants me to be. I'm me. And he is him. And then it was time. Between the photographer's clicks from the cameras to wanting to know if everyone was ready to trying not to smudge my makeup. This was the day I had dreamed about since I was little. I wanted to be the princess. But I wasn't a princess. I was a woman...a woman who had made her choice of all the men in the world. And what a choice I made. He is my perfect fit, my comfortable slippers. He told me he loved me besides all the BS I had been through in previous years. He wanted me. Me. Just me.

So three years ago, I married Jacob Smith. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Happy Anniversary Jake. I love you always.

Breakthrough Moments

After work yesterday, I trekked over to Target to get some cleaning supplies and some snacks for Jake. I also had to get a baby gift for a family friend, who's son was just born last week.

In the past while at places like Target, I would pass by the baby department and pickup little outfits and turn into a semi-blubbering mess. Lately, I've been feeling really good. I've lost approximately 10 pounds (give or take an ounce or two), and regularly taking my daily medicine and trying to not let IF treatments get me down. Jake and I are in the best place we've been in for a long time and it flowed over into my attitude while passing the baby department yesterday. I had a breakthrough.

Instead of stopping and gushing over the cute outfits and almost crying, I calmly walked past the department, looked at the baby stuff and said "In due time...In due time". No crying, no stopping, just calm and cool. I was so proud of myself. Sure it was a little tough, I expected it to be. But it wasn't as dramatic as past trips. And I was by myself. I handled it all on my own.

It may not sound like much to some, but for me...it was a HUGE step.

An Answered Prayer

Jake was pretty bummed about being wait-listed for SF State. He was excited to get into the school, but the whole having to choose an alternate major instead of the one he is so passionate about really cast a shadow over his happiness of going to a University.

Ever since, I've been praying that the school would have an opening and they would see what a valuable asset he would be for the department. Well...my prayers were answered this morning. I was on my way to see my cousin Megan in Sacramento and Jake had to stop by the office to finish a project he hadn't been able to complete yesterday. I received a call from him saying "I just got an email...guess who it was from." I, of course hoping it would be good news, decided to ask if the email was a good or bad thing. He said good. I instantly thought "It's from SF State isn't it?" "Yes." "You got into the Psych Department!?" "YES!"

He made it. He's in. He's excited. And happy. And relieved.

(Not to steal your words Meggie, but it's appropriate right now)....

God is faithful.

Weekly video 5/14/10

My favorite rendition...it speaks volumes to me.

Enjoy!

Charts in charge

I starting charting my BBT again. I can't believe I almost forgot how much a PITA it is and how much it makes me second guess myself. I don't have a very "trendy" BBT, as in there is no trend. It's all over the place, or so it seems. I just wish it would stay at one temp all through the follicular phase and then rise noticably and stay that way during the luteal phase. Not so lucky.

I'm taking things in stride though. Yesterday I was in a little bit of a funk because I was feeling a little lonely. But it's OK. I'm alright.

I'm just glad we're on this path again. I feel like we're getting closer and closer every day.

Affirmations

Today our company met with a business coach who encouraged us to create affirmations for our work and personal life. But these aren't the kind of affirmations in say Sex and the City where Charlotte says "I see the good in people". No. These are "I AM (this)" or "I AM (that)". He then asked if anyone at the table had something they've worked so hard for and couldn't see the fruits of it's labors yet. I instantly raised my hand. When he asked me what it was, I told him. Why not? I have nothing to hide.

So after hearing my little 30-second synopsis of what Jake and I have endured for the past 2 and a half years, he said (in a very high school teacher way) "Make a vision board". What???? Vision board? So I have to go to a store and buy a poster board and put all my goals on it? I guess that might work. But more importantly, he said "say to yourself 'I AM PREGNANT' or 'I WILL GET PREGNANT THIS YEAR'". Because saying I am pregnant doesn't mean I actually am...because I'm not. Does that make sense?

Anyways, I started thinking about it and maybe all my body needs is a little encouragement. My heart believes it will happen, I've been trying to train my body to become a mother, but my head is still getting in the way. All my head keeps in it's memory banks are the negative test results, the pills, the tests, the everything. Maybe my brain needs a makeover. Even the thought of having a baby makes me cry, and for what? I WANT to have a baby. I WANT to become a mother. So why when I say those things to tears flow? It's weird. I have a feeling it's because my brain is so tired of thinking that it won't happen, or hoping it will and it doesn't that it's starting to believe this won't ever happen for Jake and I. I think it's time to change that train of thought, so-to-speak.

Today I took the last dose of Clomid. This is it. The countdown begins. Let's hope this works. :)

Wasting away

Yesterday after I got dressed to go get new tires for our car, I walked by the in-wall hutch in the living room/dining room. I caught myself in the corner of my eye and stopped, backed up, and looked. My jaw dropped. What the...? I'm tiny!!!

I called Jake in and said "have you noticed this!!??" His response? "Yes, for a while". I mean, I knew I was having to pull my pants up more and my shirts are a little bigger, but to see this? Woohoo!!! We don't have any full-length mirrors in our house, so the most I see is from my chest up in the bathroom mirror.

I just hope this keeps going.