Have you ever prayed so hard that you can feel your entire body, heart, and mind being consumed by that prayer and thought in that moment?
Saturday night after everyone left my parents' house from my mom's birthday dinner, Jake and I were sitting on the couch watching TV and talking. All of a sudden, he put his hand on my stomach and said "We're waiting for you little baby...please come so we can meet you." In that moment, I closed my eyes and prayed like I haven't prayed before. My whole body was seemingly weightless and my head clear in what I was praying for. I felt really good in that moment that everything was going to work out, and when I opened my eyes, I didn't want to let that feeling go. It was like being completely at peace.
I've never felt anything like it.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Weekly video 8/28/09
This week's video is in honor of my recent golf experience with Jake (see previous post from 2-3 weeks ago). It's Robin Williams' rendition of how the sport began. Please be advised that it does have a lot of swearing, but it's still pretty funny.
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Epidural #2 - Success
Yesterday I had epidural injection #2.
Things were WAY different for me this time. I knew what to expect, took deep breaths and knew it would be over in 10 minutes.
I walked in after my name was called and the nurse looked at me and said "How are you today?" I said "Fine, thanks. How are you?" She said "I'm good...hey...I remember you. I was your nurse last time you had this done." Greeeeeat. I remember psyching myself out to the point of (TMI) dry heaving, cold sweats, and dizziness. I was hoping I was calm enough now to not have a repeat performance of a crap-tastic procedure on my part. No thanks. So she took my blood pressure (BP) and led me to the room with Jake because we had some questions regarding the breakout of red bumps from last time. She said the epidurals sometimes raise hormone levels so it could've been a mild form of acne, which is WAY better than hearing "Oh, you're allergic. We can't do this...go home and live in pain". In this case, acne is WAY better. So I did was helped last time. The nurse was there talking to me, I had a cold compress and breathed deeply to calm my nerves and relax my muscles. I learned the breathing from my tattoos which helps this kind of thing be less painful since the more you hold your breath, the more your muscles tense and then the more it hurts because your body is fighting.
So I was talking to the nurse while the doctor "mapped" out my spine and nerves by drawing on me with a ballpoint pen (which really really really tickled) and then I had the local anesthesia. No big deal...just a little pinch. Then...there was pressure. A lot. of. pressure. Pressure in a small tiny area. Didn't feel normal, so I of course let them know I could feel it. They said everything was OK and I was doing great. Then more pressure...and more pressure. I was gripping the exam table like I was being pushed into it. Oh. My. God...pressure! But of course, within 5 minutes...it was over. I sat for a minute with a cold compress on the back of my neck to help me stop sweating and the doctor asked the nurse to take my BP again since she thought it was a little high. Yeah...high. 176/103 to be exact. Normal for me? Not at all. So on the way out, I sat and had my BP taken again... 104/73. Much better. I was nervous so the BP showed it.
Then I went home, changes into my PJs, laid on my bed with a movie playing and all three cats laid with me. Jake made dinner, which was awesome and Today while walking to work I felt great. I'm a little sore at the injection sight but that's no biggie. I'm just glad it's over. Yay!
Things were WAY different for me this time. I knew what to expect, took deep breaths and knew it would be over in 10 minutes.
I walked in after my name was called and the nurse looked at me and said "How are you today?" I said "Fine, thanks. How are you?" She said "I'm good...hey...I remember you. I was your nurse last time you had this done." Greeeeeat. I remember psyching myself out to the point of (TMI) dry heaving, cold sweats, and dizziness. I was hoping I was calm enough now to not have a repeat performance of a crap-tastic procedure on my part. No thanks. So she took my blood pressure (BP) and led me to the room with Jake because we had some questions regarding the breakout of red bumps from last time. She said the epidurals sometimes raise hormone levels so it could've been a mild form of acne, which is WAY better than hearing "Oh, you're allergic. We can't do this...go home and live in pain". In this case, acne is WAY better. So I did was helped last time. The nurse was there talking to me, I had a cold compress and breathed deeply to calm my nerves and relax my muscles. I learned the breathing from my tattoos which helps this kind of thing be less painful since the more you hold your breath, the more your muscles tense and then the more it hurts because your body is fighting.
So I was talking to the nurse while the doctor "mapped" out my spine and nerves by drawing on me with a ballpoint pen (which really really really tickled) and then I had the local anesthesia. No big deal...just a little pinch. Then...there was pressure. A lot. of. pressure. Pressure in a small tiny area. Didn't feel normal, so I of course let them know I could feel it. They said everything was OK and I was doing great. Then more pressure...and more pressure. I was gripping the exam table like I was being pushed into it. Oh. My. God...pressure! But of course, within 5 minutes...it was over. I sat for a minute with a cold compress on the back of my neck to help me stop sweating and the doctor asked the nurse to take my BP again since she thought it was a little high. Yeah...high. 176/103 to be exact. Normal for me? Not at all. So on the way out, I sat and had my BP taken again... 104/73. Much better. I was nervous so the BP showed it.
Then I went home, changes into my PJs, laid on my bed with a movie playing and all three cats laid with me. Jake made dinner, which was awesome and Today while walking to work I felt great. I'm a little sore at the injection sight but that's no biggie. I'm just glad it's over. Yay!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Quote of the day
"Everything is possible when you have faith."
This past weekend, Jake and I went to the State Fair with Megan, Jon, Jalen and Justus. While there, I began to feel a calm and wanted to talk for hours with Megan about how I've been feeling and how I've been questioning my faith lately because of how hard things have been for me with trying to get pregnant. Oh well...that will come another day.
Last night I had an urge to go to JCPenney to look around, which I haven't done in a long time. I don't know why Penney's, but it was kind of overwhelming. So I went to the store and ended up in the jewelry department of all places (which ask my mom, I don't frequent the jewelry department at all) and found this ring
When I got home, I immediately put it on to help me jumpstart me being back on the path. I just hope everything works out with us these next few cycles. I would love to have a bump come Christmas. That would be awesome.
This past weekend, Jake and I went to the State Fair with Megan, Jon, Jalen and Justus. While there, I began to feel a calm and wanted to talk for hours with Megan about how I've been feeling and how I've been questioning my faith lately because of how hard things have been for me with trying to get pregnant. Oh well...that will come another day.
Last night I had an urge to go to JCPenney to look around, which I haven't done in a long time. I don't know why Penney's, but it was kind of overwhelming. So I went to the store and ended up in the jewelry department of all places (which ask my mom, I don't frequent the jewelry department at all) and found this ring
When I got home, I immediately put it on to help me jumpstart me being back on the path. I just hope everything works out with us these next few cycles. I would love to have a bump come Christmas. That would be awesome.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Weekly video 8/21/09
I apologize for my absence last week. Jake and I went down to San Jose Friday night and it was an all around busy day.
This week's video is actually a movie trailer for the new movie The Wolfman. Always a fan of horror films, I'm looking forward to this.
Enjoy!
This week's video is actually a movie trailer for the new movie The Wolfman. Always a fan of horror films, I'm looking forward to this.
Enjoy!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
God gave me PCOS
I've been finding myself afraid to pray these days. I've never been religious, but I am spiritual. After a childhood raised in a Catholic church that told you you'd burn in Hell for eating meat on Fridays, my mom decided to not make me go to church. She would make it my choice. She did, however, raise me telling me that God loves me for who I am and He never made mistakes while making me. So I've been thinking about why God gave me PCOS.
I admit I've been one to take certain things for granted...my parents being the main one. I was always one of those naive people who thought my parents would live forever, but I see it differently. My Dad is 73, and my mom is 56...and disabled. Both of their lives are gearing down and what do I have to show for it? Years full of attitude and disagreements...things I've done that I wish I hadn't, but cannot be changed. So maybe that's why God gave me PCOS. He gave me this disease to show me what the love of a parent is. It's the most selfless, unrelenting, never-giving-up love that one human can hold for another. It is a never ending fight for the world to show them this person, a person they brought into the world, that has so much to give and is worth having around. It is sleepless nights, tears, washing bottles, changing diapers, reading before bedtime...it's everything. It's giving up grandeur for the feeling of little arms wrapped around you giving you a hug at the end of the day. It's realizing every dream has lead to this little bundle of poopy diapers who wants nothing more than to have you to play with. It's the best thing in the world, and one I never thanked my parents for.
I'll also admit I'm not patient. It's not a virtue I hold in abundance. Every cycle that's gone by with a negative pregnancy test is a battle I relive month after month. It's been nearly two years, and they are two years I would never wish on anyone, but that I'm thankful for. Having the drive to keep going after so much disappointment with Jake by my side has shown me that I already love my little one, wherever he/she may be. I love them so much I'm voluntarily doing things like blood tests, taking medications, having acupuncture, and having IUIs so I can meet them and teach them everything from how to make cookies to how to drive. It's a journey I can't wait to continue, since the start of it came the day Jake and I said "Let's do this."
God gave me PCOS as a gift. It's gift of insight to show me what it really takes to be a mother and how much my Mom did for me. So thank you Mom for loving me so much, and thank you God for not making a mistake with me. I get it now.
I admit I've been one to take certain things for granted...my parents being the main one. I was always one of those naive people who thought my parents would live forever, but I see it differently. My Dad is 73, and my mom is 56...and disabled. Both of their lives are gearing down and what do I have to show for it? Years full of attitude and disagreements...things I've done that I wish I hadn't, but cannot be changed. So maybe that's why God gave me PCOS. He gave me this disease to show me what the love of a parent is. It's the most selfless, unrelenting, never-giving-up love that one human can hold for another. It is a never ending fight for the world to show them this person, a person they brought into the world, that has so much to give and is worth having around. It is sleepless nights, tears, washing bottles, changing diapers, reading before bedtime...it's everything. It's giving up grandeur for the feeling of little arms wrapped around you giving you a hug at the end of the day. It's realizing every dream has lead to this little bundle of poopy diapers who wants nothing more than to have you to play with. It's the best thing in the world, and one I never thanked my parents for.
I'll also admit I'm not patient. It's not a virtue I hold in abundance. Every cycle that's gone by with a negative pregnancy test is a battle I relive month after month. It's been nearly two years, and they are two years I would never wish on anyone, but that I'm thankful for. Having the drive to keep going after so much disappointment with Jake by my side has shown me that I already love my little one, wherever he/she may be. I love them so much I'm voluntarily doing things like blood tests, taking medications, having acupuncture, and having IUIs so I can meet them and teach them everything from how to make cookies to how to drive. It's a journey I can't wait to continue, since the start of it came the day Jake and I said "Let's do this."
God gave me PCOS as a gift. It's gift of insight to show me what it really takes to be a mother and how much my Mom did for me. So thank you Mom for loving me so much, and thank you God for not making a mistake with me. I get it now.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Good news from the Kaiser lab
This past weekend was a small victory for me.
So far Diabetes: 120, Laurel: 90.
That's right...the Metformin is WORKING!!!!! I had my blood drawn on Saturday morning at Kaiser San Jose (aka my old stomping grounds). The last time I had my blood glucose taken, I was at 120. You have to be 126 to be considered a full blown Diabetic. I was teetering on the edge, so to speak. But thanks to my PCP and my own pushiness, I got onto 1000mg/day and my levels dropped to within the "normal" range (60-99).
I emailed my OB this morning to see if I can restart trying during cycles. This result has given me the extra kick in the pants to get my keester in gear.
To celebrate, Jake and I went through our fridge and pantry and threw out all bad foods for us that we purchased in one of those notorious fits of grocery store weakness. I can't wait to go grocery shopping again this week! :D
So far Diabetes: 120, Laurel: 90.
That's right...the Metformin is WORKING!!!!! I had my blood drawn on Saturday morning at Kaiser San Jose (aka my old stomping grounds). The last time I had my blood glucose taken, I was at 120. You have to be 126 to be considered a full blown Diabetic. I was teetering on the edge, so to speak. But thanks to my PCP and my own pushiness, I got onto 1000mg/day and my levels dropped to within the "normal" range (60-99).
I emailed my OB this morning to see if I can restart trying during cycles. This result has given me the extra kick in the pants to get my keester in gear.
To celebrate, Jake and I went through our fridge and pantry and threw out all bad foods for us that we purchased in one of those notorious fits of grocery store weakness. I can't wait to go grocery shopping again this week! :D
Monday, August 10, 2009
Greetings from a tired, hurting Laurel
It is no secret that I have been battling back pain for the past couple of years. It got so bad that at one point, there was a severe shift in my spine, making it look like my upper torso, and my lower body look as if it were split in half, then haphazardly put back together. It was painful to see for some, and even more painful to experience. I went through months of physical therapy, pain medications, and A LOT of tears from not being able to do regular day-to-day things. I had 4 different diagnoses from different doctors. Finally one said "ENOUGH" and said for me to try something I had been dreading, but also wanting...an epidural.
The whole process of an epidural is rather uneventful. However, I had something that resembled the arrival of the four horsemen of the Apocolypse pictured in my head due to my aversion to needles. I mean, who really relishes the thought of having a long needle stuck into their spine? Barf-fest, table one? I think so.
I pretty much really psyched myself out to the point where the doctor administering the epi wasn't going to go through with the procedure, but I bit the bullet and came through with the help of distracting conversation with the nurse, a cold ice pack and a little breeze from a portable fan. Of course, afterwards, I felt stupid. The process was nothing, and yet I had made the whole thing to be this huge event in my head. I went home, and within 3 hours, I could stand up straight and pain-free.
5 months later, and I'm sitting here, blogging at 6:30am in pain. I'm sitting on the living room couch hoping the pain meds will kick in so I can catch another hour of sleep before getting up and going to work. I'm not sure that will happen though. Oh well.
I have another call into the epidural doctor for another appointment for which I got another referral from my PCP. The pain isn't as bad as it once was before, but I'd like to nip this in the bud before it gets any worse. I'm calling the epi doctor today. I just hope I can get in there soon because the inability to sleep sometimes is really starting to get to me.
The whole process of an epidural is rather uneventful. However, I had something that resembled the arrival of the four horsemen of the Apocolypse pictured in my head due to my aversion to needles. I mean, who really relishes the thought of having a long needle stuck into their spine? Barf-fest, table one? I think so.
I pretty much really psyched myself out to the point where the doctor administering the epi wasn't going to go through with the procedure, but I bit the bullet and came through with the help of distracting conversation with the nurse, a cold ice pack and a little breeze from a portable fan. Of course, afterwards, I felt stupid. The process was nothing, and yet I had made the whole thing to be this huge event in my head. I went home, and within 3 hours, I could stand up straight and pain-free.
5 months later, and I'm sitting here, blogging at 6:30am in pain. I'm sitting on the living room couch hoping the pain meds will kick in so I can catch another hour of sleep before getting up and going to work. I'm not sure that will happen though. Oh well.
I have another call into the epidural doctor for another appointment for which I got another referral from my PCP. The pain isn't as bad as it once was before, but I'd like to nip this in the bud before it gets any worse. I'm calling the epi doctor today. I just hope I can get in there soon because the inability to sleep sometimes is really starting to get to me.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Weekly video 8/7/09
Tomorrow is Jake's birthday. We're having a party with his family and close friends at a nearby park, and I can't wait. This is the first party I have organized 90% on my own. It's overwhelming, but it's worth it.
This week's video is one I took myself. It's the opening of Judas Priest from the concert we went to last Friday (hence no video last week). The laser show of the metal worker is pretty cool.
Enjoy!
This week's video is one I took myself. It's the opening of Judas Priest from the concert we went to last Friday (hence no video last week). The laser show of the metal worker is pretty cool.
Enjoy!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Fore!
After 4 and a half years of me asking, hinting and even wondering if it'll ever happen, Jake took me to the driving range to teach me how to "play" golf. Jake's Dad (Hi Dad!) is a certified golf instructor and from what I've heard Jake is pretty good. When I say "play" golf, I mean teaching me how to hit the ball.
Unfortunately in my shyness and naivete, I thought my Scottish roots would peek mixed in with some beginners luck and I'd kick some ass. Didn't happen. I did hit some decent shots, but I'm not sure I made my golf-loving grandparents proud up there in the sky. They were probably rooting me on, and laughing at my screw-ups. Even I was laughing at them.
Disclaimer: Yes, I know I'm wearing flip flops. Yes I know those aren't good golfing shoes,and I could've gotten hurt. I apologize and will wear regular shoes next time.
First, the pro (compared to me, he's Tiger Woods): 
Unfortunately in my shyness and naivete, I thought my Scottish roots would peek mixed in with some beginners luck and I'd kick some ass. Didn't happen. I did hit some decent shots, but I'm not sure I made my golf-loving grandparents proud up there in the sky. They were probably rooting me on, and laughing at my screw-ups. Even I was laughing at them.
Disclaimer: Yes, I know I'm wearing flip flops. Yes I know those aren't good golfing shoes,and I could've gotten hurt. I apologize and will wear regular shoes next time.
First, the pro (compared to me, he's Tiger Woods):
And now...for your viewing humor...me:
I swear my follow-through got better after this shot.
Monday, August 3, 2009
British Steel!
As you know, I got Jake tickets to see Judas Priest and Whitesnake in Concord for his 30th birthday. Well that was this past Friday. Judas Priest is celebrating the 30th anniversary of their first album, British Steel. It was tons of fun!
Jake enjoying his awesome VIP seats
WHITESNAKE:
The set
Rockin' out
The guy on the far left is the lead singer. I forget his name.
JUDAS PRIEST:
The opening "curtain"
Jake enjoying his awesome VIP seats
WHITESNAKE:
The set
Rockin' out
The guy on the far left is the lead singer. I forget his name.
JUDAS PRIEST:
The opening "curtain"
That's a lot of smoke!
The lead singer, Rob Halford
"I am Nostradamus!" (from the song "Prophecy")
Happy Birthday my awesome Hubsters! I love you!
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