Hitting a bump

Today is one of those days I've talked about in my and Jake's TTC journey. Today, I hit a bump. Today we found out that Jake's sister is having a boy.

Jake and I have dreamed of having a boy. I'm not one of those people who says "I'd love to have a boy because I want the big brother to look out for his little sister". I've never been a person like that. I thought I had always wanted a girl because...well...I am a girl. But then I saw the glint in Jake's eyes as we talked about the possibility of having a boy. I saw how in love with the idea of a son Jake was and the look in his eyes when we picked names at the beginning of this whole darn thing. From then on, I knew we would love any baby God decided to give us, but we would prefer a boy.

When Jake's sister announced that she'd be having a son, my heart sank. A baby is a miracle, don't get me wrong and I'm hoping (despite her missteps throughout her pregnancy and her blatant disregard for tact in my direction) that her baby is healthy and happy. But it still hurts. It hurts to know Jake and I are still fighting so hard for a baby and we can't seem to get there yet.

I know this is all up to God and I just have to be patient but damn...when is enough, enough? How much longer are Jake and I going to have to suffer to get this right? And the kicker is, just when I think everything is OK and I'm accepting of what's been handed to me, something like today happens. It makes things a little harder. It makes it a little more difficult to swallow that I'm still fighting, and it doesn't seem to ever end.

I just hope when we get to meet OUR TRUE MIRACLE, that all these tears and hurting will fade away as if it never happened. God, I hope so...