I've been trying to be very stoic about Jake and I trying to have a baby. While I put a smile on and TRY to believe what everyone says when they tell me everything will be OK...in my heart, I'm still afraid.
Last night was the last pill of Clomid. This is it...the moment of truth. I'm anxious. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm happy...and I'm terrified. I'm also mad at myself.
I'm anxious because I wish the days would pass by faster so I can find out when I'm ovulating and when I'm possibly pregnant. I'm excited because I have complete faith that this will work for us. I'm nervous because this is a HUGE step and we've been trying for almost a year. When this happens, it won't be the stress of trying to get pregnant...it'll be a reality and I haven't set myself up to that realization yet. I'm happy because with this medication, we have more of a shot in one month than we've had all year. I'm terrified because I guess in the back of my mind, maybe this is nature's way of telling me I shouldn't be a mother. What if natural selection has weeded me out of the gene pool? Ugh.
I'm mostly mad at myself because if I didn't have this disease, I would be more fertile than I am. I would be at a healthier weight...and I wouldn't have had to go through all these blood tests and doctor's appointments to have a baby.
I know the work that's entailed will all be worth it in the end when Jake and I are holding our child. I know this is a "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" time in our lives together...but I feel somehow I've failed Jake. He deserves to be a Dad. He'll make a wonderful Dad. There's nothing wrong with him...all his tests are perfectly normal. I'm the one who's not normal...I'm the one with something wrong with me.
I hate to be a downer in this post...but these are the thoughts that swirl in my head every single hour of every single day. I know I have a wonderful family who supports me and is there for me...but when there's such wonderful news as my cousin being pregnant...who wants to hear me "woe is me" worries? I don't want people to feel sorry for me...that's just one more step towards helplessness. Oh, and when people say it seems everyone around you gets pregnant and not you? Oh yeah...I'm in that position right now. It sucks more than I thought it would.
OK, I'm done having my tantrum. You can go back to your regularly scheduled programming... :)
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2 comments:
I felt the same way much of our time we were trying. Feeling like I was failing as a "wife" was the hardest part, and knowing if he had chose a different path in life, a different woman to love he could be a father.
All I can offer is that I have been there, that where you are now there are lots of other people there too and so you aren't alone with those feelings. The other thing is that you are right, when you and J get to hold your child the pain of IF begins to melt. It never goes away, but it fades.
As for "maybe this is nature's way of telling me I shouldn't be a mother." It isn't! You may have to try harder, longer than other couples but this means nothing about your ability to parent. ((((((HUGS))))))
Any time you want to chat let me know.
:( This makes me sad. I'm sorry you feel this way, truly. You're not failing, you're just working harder.
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