I'm a C-Section Mama

A little random, but I've been thinking about this for a while, and need to get this out.

All throughout my pregnancy, there seemed to be this inadvertent pressure for me to have a natural birth. I was born via c-section, so I was aware that there was another way. I tried to go with the flow and tell everyone that I would be fine either way. Inside my head I knew I wanted a natural birth more than I could "accept" a c-section. I admit at the time I was very ignorant of what was entailed and I viewed c-sections as undesirable - mostly because I wasn't comfortable with the idea of being awake while my body is being cut open. I couldn't even handle being awake for my wisdom teeth removal.

When I was in labor, my determination to have Scarlett vaginally was more intense than I anticipated. When I was told that she wasn't coming the way we had worked for and that we needed to go the c-section route, I felt like a failure. I had labored for 27 hours only to be told I "wasn't good enough" to have her naturally. I was pissed. Something was wrong with me to not be able to have Scarlett how I was determined to, because her heart rate was dropping dangerously low when I had contractions. The world was over...

Then she came. All of a sudden, it was like a movie. Everything was silent in the room, and all there was was her and I; looking at each other in the most calming wonder I've ever experienced. All of a sudden, laboring for 27 hours, the contractions, the pain, the surgery, none of it mattered. My daughter had arrived and I became a C-Section Mama.

I admit it was hard for me to accept that I hadn't had Scarlett in the generally "acceptable" way. Some moms look down upon those who have a c-section. We've copped out and took the easy road. Let me tell you that for 27 hours, life was anything but copping out and taking the easy road. Being cut open and awake for it is ANYTHING but easy. Having major surgery is not easy. Getting out of bed for the first time, standing up, and going blind for a second because your body feels like it's being ripped apart from the pain is anything but easy.

Today, I came across an article called "A Love Letter to C-Section Mamas", and it touched my heart. You can read it HERE

I have the most unimagineable love for my daughter. She was welcomed into this world in an unplanned way, but she's healthy and happy. She brings light to my days and love to my life. She makes my bad days better and snuggles more snuggly. And she's here, healthy and happy because I had a c-section to save her life. I have a scar - I call it my "battle scar". I wear it proudly because it shows the world that I gave birth to my daughter the "kangaroo way". It's something I will carry with me forever, and nothing can change that. I don't want it too.

Having a C-Section isn't a failure at all. It's nothing to thumb your nose at, or judge other moms for. Giving birth is a miracle in and of itself. It doesn't matter the method of how the baby got there. It's not a measure of how good a parent you'll be, and there is NOTHING wrong with having a C-Section.

So, I'm a C-Section Mama...and damn proud of it.

A for Effort

Lately I have noticed that I haven't been feeling good-looking. In the mornings, it takes me a while to get out of bed and get ready. By the time I need to leave the house, I skip makeup and doing my hair - I pull it back into a bun. It was OK for a little while, but then I noticed I didn't feel professional at work. I didn't feel presentable.

I also discovered that I can curl my hair a little bit with a flat iron - it takes a bit of wrist-action. So on the days I have more time (this week was Mon, Wed and Fri), I did my hair and I've been doing my makeup every day. I feel like I can talk to anyone and not worry about that zit on my chin, or the dark circles under my eyes because it's got a bit of help.

So I'm making a pledge to do my hair and makeup almost every day. I say that now, but someone will have to remind me of that when I'm pulling my wet hair into a bun for work and not putting on my makeup.

WW Weigh-In 1/28/12

Despite being tired and not in the mood to go to the meeting, Jake and I weighed in and sat through the meeting anyways. We hadn't been following the plan barely at all and knew we had gained. So here's the damage:


Gained/lost this week: +.4lbs

Total weight loss so far (starting 1/14/12): -3.8lbs.

Seeing that I had gained and I had given myself permission to fall off the wagon this week gave Jake and I new appreciation for the task we've undertaken and a renewal of determination. So we trekked right over to Trader Joe's next to the WW we go to and stocked up on yummy, wholesome snacks. I tried Greek Yogurt for the first time, and it isn't bad. I chose pomegranate as my first flavor, and it was a little overpowering. Jake says the blueberry tastes better, so I'll see. I also discovered their Super Spinach salad and had it yesterday for lunch - spinach with quinoa, pumpkin seeds, dried cranberries, carrots, edamame with a ginger/miso dressing. It was sooooo good.

Our next weigh in is Saturday 2/4. We've been pretty good about following the plan and have been packing all of our lunches, breakfasts and making more effort into nutritious dinners even though we're tired. We're having a Super Bowl party this weekend, and Jake is determined to have hotwings. I'm allowing myself to have a few, but not go whole hog. I'm going to stock up on the veggie tray and cracker/cheese platter.

So the announcement...

So, before I make this announcement, I need a little backstory.





I admit, I'm a visual learner. I learn by doing and seeing it done, and not by instruction. This has been true for my entire life, but only recently recognized in the past few years. So, to say the least - I learn by example.





All my life, my mom has been overweight. I've seen her diet and diet again, to yo-yo back to her former size. She would tell me to eat healthy, but wouldn't do it for herself. She would tell me I'm beautiful, to have confidence in myself and to be aware of how beautiful I am. All the while, she's calling herself "ugly" and "fat", telling me to not end up like her. So while she's telling me one thing, she was teaching me the opposite. I know she can lose the weight - she lost a lot of weight for my wedding. Then afterwards, she started having hip and back problems. Now, it's to the point where she can barely move and walks with a walker.





When I had Scarlett, I decided I wanted to be different. I NEEDED to show her how to live a healthy lifestyle, by example. It would be one thing for me to tell her to do something, but not do it for myself. I don't want people in her school making fun of her because she has an overweight mom like I did. I love my mom unconditionally, and I defended her to the hilt just like I know Scarlett would. But no child should have to defend their parents like that. I don't want that for my daughter, but I also don't want that for myself.





My boundaries when it comes to weight loss are mental ones. I defeat myself before I even try and before I know it, I'm back at square 1. When I hear of people's weight loss success, my first thought is "I can't make it a year with this plan, I'll definitely fail". WHAT!? I was starting to recognize that I would defeat myself before I even start. I also would say "I can't", and I decided to stop saying that. Now, I tell myself "I'm not good at that yet, but I will get there". For me, it's a mental battle more than a physical one. I know my body can do things I want it to, it's the mental obstacles I have to overcome. I also would think of how much weight I'd like to lose, and I would think "I'll never get there, it's so long and so much to lose". Now, I have to tell myself "Any weight loss is good, and it's a step to the big goal". I know there will be pitfalls and a big roller coaster, but I'm tired of looking at myself in the mirror and thinking "WTF is going on with me!?"

So on Saturday January 14th, Jake and I joined Weight Watchers. I had lost a little bit of weight with WW before, but quit because #1, we were struggling with money and couldn't afford the dues and #2 I was doing it by myself and Jake and I had different schedules, so it was hard for me to do it by myself.

Jake and I had been talking about joining for a while. It was an ongoing conversation with us for about 3 months. I didn't want to do NutriSystem, pills or Atkins or anything like that because for me, it was about educating myself on how to eat healthy. I would think "Well, what if that company goes out of business, or they decide that pill is not healthy anymore? You have nothing but the real world and real food to face". So I wanted to join a group that teaches not only portion size, but healthy alternatives...and it NEEDED TO DEAL WITH REAL EVERYDAY FOOD. I didn't want to teach my daughter that you need to starve yourself while taking this "magic" pill to be healthy. You need to eat right and get your exercise to do that.

Last weekend was our first weigh-in, and I've lost 4.2lbs in my first week! I know losing that much is not typical and I don't expect to lose that much, if anything at all, every week. But to make that big jump first thing is a big push for me to keep going.

I'm excited, scared, nervous and hopeful that we can stick to this and have it be a learning experience for Scarlett.

New Blog Name

So you also might have noticed that I changed the name of my blog. I loved the name "Marriage and Margaritas" because at the time I picked that name, it fit us. Now, we're a Panda family of 3, and I'm using the blog to keep track of events that have happened for our little growing household.

Pandas hold a very special place in Jake and my hearts. It's a looooong story, and a sort of inside joke, but Pandas are very important beings to us. I'll tell the tale of how they came to be so important, but for now, the name is changed. Enjoy!

Notice Something Different?

Like the blog revamp?? A possible new name is to come (perhaps, haven't decided yet).

I'm making a commitment to blog more. Figured the old girl needed some blog botox.

I also have some news regarding things that just started happening with Jake and I, but that's a different post. For now, I leave you with the beautiful new look of my blog. Idn't it purdy??

A "Racy" Night in October

So I wanted to tell you all about the night in October that was surreal and weird, to say the least.

This is a true story.

It was the night of October 24th/early morning October 25th. Time? Approximately 2 am.

I had heard Scarlett crying in her room while Jake was changing her diaper. I got up to see if he needed help, and he asked me to make her a bottle so he could rock her back to sleep. I obliged, sleepily measuring powdered baby-crack in the little scooper, and then shaking the closed bottle in a hurried fashion because I could hear Scarlett fussing in the next room. I knew I had to get her bottle to her. So I gave it to Jake and decided I would stay up for a little while and play online as I was awake and needed to get sleepy again.

As I sat in our big, comfy recliner in our living room, I heard police sirens in the distance. No biggie, I thought. We live right near 580 and people get pulled over on the main drag which is a block away from our house, all the time. But the sirens didn't stop. The kept going, and going and going. Suddenly, there was another noise that joined the late night wailing of police cruisers. It was a police helicopter, or "ghetto bird" as it's known to Jake and I. Uh oh, someone was busted big time! But the sirens wouldn't stop, they kept wailing, and they were getting closer. The helicopter's blades were so close, the living room windows started to shake. What the HELL was going on? Being the ambulance-chaser that the genes my grandfather gave me would prove, I got up from the chair and started into the kitchen. The window above the sink had a clear view of the main drag where the sirens seemed to be coming from, and I needed to know what was going on.

As I started walking to the doorway that leads to the kitchen, I heard it. A loud "SCRAPE" that sounded like metal against concrete. I looked quickly, just in time to see a dark SUV race up our street with sparks flying from the back! Following VERY closely behind was a police cruiser, and another, and another, and another, and another...and it goes on. One parked in front of our house, and I yelled for Jake to come into the living room. We looked out the front window, and saw a Sheriff run up the street with a rifle drawn. I knew this was trouble. I called the non-emergency police line and asked the operator if we should be on the lookout for anyone on foot, or were we in some kind of danger??? She said it was a high speed freeway chase, to lock our doors and windows and stay inside. I did just that, and turned off all the lights in the house. What does Jake do? Put on his shoes and run outside onto the porch. Obviously, someone seems to be more of an ambulance chaser than I am. Go figure.

When I knew we were safe, I joined Jake on the porch in time to see two of the men in the SUV escorted to the Sheriff's cars waiting for them at the bottom of the street, in handcuffs. They didn't look our way, and I stayed silent. A part of me was worried that they would remember me watching them get arrested, get out and come back for us. Weird, I know. It made sense at the time.

It turns out, there was an armed robbery in Windsor, which is an hour North of us. Three men held up a family for $2500, 8 lbs (yes POUNDS) of marijuana, and a cell phone. The victims broke free of their binds and called the cops. Shortly afterwards, the men were pulled over since they matched the description of what the victims told police. Well, Duh - it was them! They took off, and went through Sonoma county. Then they entered Marin county and exited off the freeway, then got back on. They decided to then cross the Richmond/San Rafael bridge which had a spike-strip waiting for them. They ran it over, and kept going, eventually loosing the wheel entirely right before getting on our side of the bridge. They decided to get off the freeway (we are the first exit after the bridge ends), and of all the streets and exits to take, they drove up ours. They got to the end of our street riding on three flat tires and a roader (sp?), only to have the car catch on fire when they reached the end of our street. The fire was put out and all three men were arrested.

Things of note usually happen when I'm not around, so this was definitely something that made up for it. It was nothing if not an adrenaline rush and scary as hell at the same time.